It's been 8 years. As someone who needs closure myself, I did awful by stretching it for this long.
I never had the courage to face you even though there were so many opportunities created for us. Was it guilt? Was it fear? But it doesn't matter anymore, I guess. I guess I was just afraid that things that happened got spilled out, afraid that I had to deal with anything related to you again in my life. Because I don't know for real, if I'm able to handle it again.
Yes, I didn't leave you because I stopped loving you. Yes, it was cruel to have made you think so. I always thought I left for the best of you. Maybe I did. But maybe you didn't think so. Maybe our love was strong enough, but maybe we weren't strong enough to handle such huge issues. But it doesn't matter anymore, I guess.
I'm sorry this post took so long. For the first few years, I was mourning. I had to treat something that was real as if it was dead. I had to look into those eyes and tell you, that I don't love you anymore, as if it doesn't burn my throat. And then, we slowly become separated by too much time to reach each other again. What do I say when I meet you? How do we even talk like friends? Truth is, the thought of that sent chills. Because from the moment I first met you, we haven't once spoke to each other like friends.
It's like getting to know someone new, except that he has a pair of hands I'm so used to holding, a body that I naturally gravitate towards, a voice that always manage to calm me down, and a scent, that I will never be able to forget. But all these - they don't matter anymore.
If you still would like to know, I did love you. People would say a 12/13-year-old will never know anything about love, but now I am 22 and I would still say, I loved you. Just because it was real. It felt so real. I've had enough crushes to know it wasn't just an infatuation with you. We fought through so much together. What would people know? We were barely teenagers. It was fun, living life alongside with you. Forever with you sounded like a dream that was going to come true. I used to think we slipped our chance. But now I know, it was never meant to be fulfilled.
This is not the end. The end already happened 8 years ago and truth to be told, I thought of "what if's", but I've never thought of looking back. There will always be songs that I can't listen to because it reminds me too much of you; your name will always send something crawling on the wall of my heart, even if it's just for a split second. But it doesn't matter anymore.
I have been really happy. I am writing this post because I know you are reading. I am writing this post to apologise for the things I've done that you didn't know of. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to fight for our love. I'm sorry for giving up on us. I'm sorry for making one-sided decisions even though it was our relationship. I'm sorry that I told you that I don't love you anymore despite knowing how much hurt that would bring. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm sorry for keeping to that lie for 8 years. I'm sorry for not having enough courage to attend your birthday parties and send you off at the airport even though I know that will probably be the last time we get to see each other.
Please forgive me for the mistakes and decisions a 13-year-old me made. Forgive me for cowardly writing this post because I can't, and won't, talk to you over the phone.
You deserve nothing but the best.