This is a long ass post.
2014 practically flew by, yet it was so eventful I can't believe so many things happened within what seemed like a really short time frame. Through all the ups and downs, 2014 has been pretty fruitful. I even (finally) accomplished a New Year resolution for the first time in my life hahahaha.
2014 practically flew by, yet it was so eventful I can't believe so many things happened within what seemed like a really short time frame. Through all the ups and downs, 2014 has been pretty fruitful. I even (finally) accomplished a New Year resolution for the first time in my life hahahaha.
Breaking down my walls was always one of the toughest things to do. In fact, it may actually be the toughest at all. I think getting me to pet a cat might even be easier. To many people who knows me, it'd be like "LOL Qidi is finally getting out of her shell". Yeah well that's pretty true HAHAHAHA. Many times this year I doubted myself - whether I did the right thing. I've been protecting myself for so long and I've been happy. Why expose myself to the risk of hurt right?
But the thing is I'm getting pretty sick of myself. Pushing people away, ignoring people, even lashing out on others with hurtful words. If I meant it, I wouldn't bother. At most I'll be guilty for life and get hit by karma one day. But the thing is, I don't. I don't mean it when I push people away, I don't mean it when I flinch when people touch me, I don't mean it when I say I don't like you, I don't mean it when I respond to "I love you"s with a blank stare, I don't mean it when I don't smile when I see people, I don't mean a lot of things I do or say and after so much of those I'm getting frustrated at myself. Have you ever pushed people away just to save them from yourself? Because you know what a fucked up person you are and you don't want to let anyone get hurt by you, directly or indirectly. It's dumb I know, I just realised. That I could've actually spent that effort and time trying to be a better person for the people around me rather than just shutting them out.
I'm not as cold as people think I am, people who are closer to me would definitely know. I just make myself appear to be, because if I'm cold and heartless I will never get rejected.
Yes stupid reason.
Basically I thought that it's all good by myself, in fact right now I still do. But I didn't know that it would cost me to lose so many people in my life, even those that were very important to me.
The saddest thing is that I can see that most of them didn't even wanted to leave, and maybe they just wanted me to put in a little more effort in sustaining the friendship. I can't and won't blame it on my insecurities because this excuse is overused, but the immediate reaction of me sensing that someone is gonna leave, is to retreat and shut myself out. That is why I always ended up doing nothing, and people give up on me LOL. And yes my shit ego is one of the prominent factors too.
Even after years, I still find myself missing some of them from time to time. Nothing sucks more than knowing that you're no longer in a position to dial their numbers just to hear their voices or see if they are doing well, like you once did.
I don't want anymore "I miss (someone's name)" and not being able to do anything about it. That's why I'm forcing myself to let down my walls, to hold on to people I love. Yeah this might be a little too late, if only I realised this earlier right. It took me so long to realise that people won't know how I feel unless I tell them or show them.
But I'll also say that the feeling of being vulnerable is really scary. Once I let loose I can't hold myself back, and once I get attached to someone or something I cannot detach myself. I've never got attached to and dependent on things and people this easily before, like separation anxiety when I have to spend a few days without them wtf.
"We assume people show love the way we do. So if they don't, we are afraid that it's not there."
Why is s/he putting in lesser effort now? Is s/he getting sick of me already? What if I'm annoying? All these overthinking comes within the same package as vulnerability. These are always the reasons why I always doubted whether it is right to put myself in a vulnerable state. Because all you think of is whether or not you are as important to certain people as you think you are or whether they are saying things that they don't really mean. Which I used to heck care about, really.
But I guess it's still going fine, because I have the right people in my life. Don't want to jinx it ('cause I really damn jinx), but I'm really super grateful for all the lovely (sometimes not that lovely but I still love y'all hehe) around me. Now when I write posts like this I don't need to think whether "oh will they think I'm referring to them" because they would know. And I think it's a good thing. :)
Okay however, I'm still lazy to socialise haiz. Maybe this shall be my resolution for next year HAHAHAHA.
Getting into ECH and getting to know my girls definitely changed me as a whole. Well no doubt I'm still me, but the way I see certain things or the way I express myself changed, for the better in my opinion. I've never knew I could be so real in front of anyone. Probably 'cause all along I've always thought that I had to be a certain someone so people would like me. Or maybe because I've never met anyone as real as my girls. I wouldn't say we've been through a lot together, our friendship is very very simple, and I like it that way. People who knows your shit and still wants to be with you are the people who are going to stay.
In April my grandmother passed away and it was the first funeral I've ever attended. The whole experience was overwhelming and I couldn't get out of anxiety until about a month later. I'm not very close with my grandmother, but my anxiety level rises when I see all my relatives cry, and that I can't do anything other than standing at one side keeping quiet. It broke my heart to see my mum cry so hard, and also seeing my grandfather cry for the first time. Everything felt like a dream and till now I still don't feel like my grandmother is not here anymore. It made me realise that it's just a matter of time that we will all die, but it's what you've done to the people and the world around you that makes you a person worth remembering.
My 2nd year in ECH is ending pretty soon heolll this is scaring me quite a bit wtf. Technically right now I still am unsure of what I'm going to do after graduating but I'd most likely stick to the ECH field, even if I'm not in Singapore. To me, ECH taught me a lot more than just theories in textbooks. Getting into this course changed my perspective for many things and I know I'm going to continue to learn even more. I started attachment at a new centre in April this year, and to be frank I did not like what I was into. But right now I can tell you that I absolutely adore the centre, and especially the children. More than anything, I'm super fortunate to get such a supportive and understanding mentor. And the children oh gosh the children, can there be anything sweeter than them?! I've spent 7 months with my K2s (who have already graduated sobs) and they are just the sweetest thing EVER. I've never forsee myself getting so loved by children, especially now that I'm a teacher because teachers are fierce...... I think.
What makes me even happier than getting endless amount of hugs from them, is that you know they mean it when they say they love you. You can sense it. I love and miss my K2s so much (*coughs* Hayden) but I hope they will all be good in primary school!!
Yes a huge part of being in ECH includes fangirling over the children at your attachment centre and listing down every little thing they did that made you happy HAHAHAHA.
2014 was a super SUPER SUPER good year for me as a fangirl because I got to see my treasures more than once!! On 12th January, Jaejin came to Singapore alone for Kpop starhunt 3 AND IT WAS. HOW DO I EVEN START. Okay let's not even start 'cause this post will go on forever. But yes it was asdfghjkl awesome. On 8th March, treasures held FTHX and got my mind blown. I had so much fun, the concert was on a whole different scale compared to the one I attended in 2012. The setlist, the lights, and everything. And and on 18th July, Hongki came alone for his press conference and I went to see him and snap some photos!
So yeap basically that's all. It's another year spent with my treasures and I know there will be many more to come. As always, I don't think I would have pulled through the hard times this year if it's not for them.
Okay however, I'm still lazy to socialise haiz. Maybe this shall be my resolution for next year HAHAHAHA.
Getting into ECH and getting to know my girls definitely changed me as a whole. Well no doubt I'm still me, but the way I see certain things or the way I express myself changed, for the better in my opinion. I've never knew I could be so real in front of anyone. Probably 'cause all along I've always thought that I had to be a certain someone so people would like me. Or maybe because I've never met anyone as real as my girls. I wouldn't say we've been through a lot together, our friendship is very very simple, and I like it that way. People who knows your shit and still wants to be with you are the people who are going to stay.
In April my grandmother passed away and it was the first funeral I've ever attended. The whole experience was overwhelming and I couldn't get out of anxiety until about a month later. I'm not very close with my grandmother, but my anxiety level rises when I see all my relatives cry, and that I can't do anything other than standing at one side keeping quiet. It broke my heart to see my mum cry so hard, and also seeing my grandfather cry for the first time. Everything felt like a dream and till now I still don't feel like my grandmother is not here anymore. It made me realise that it's just a matter of time that we will all die, but it's what you've done to the people and the world around you that makes you a person worth remembering.
My 2nd year in ECH is ending pretty soon heolll this is scaring me quite a bit wtf. Technically right now I still am unsure of what I'm going to do after graduating but I'd most likely stick to the ECH field, even if I'm not in Singapore. To me, ECH taught me a lot more than just theories in textbooks. Getting into this course changed my perspective for many things and I know I'm going to continue to learn even more. I started attachment at a new centre in April this year, and to be frank I did not like what I was into. But right now I can tell you that I absolutely adore the centre, and especially the children. More than anything, I'm super fortunate to get such a supportive and understanding mentor. And the children oh gosh the children, can there be anything sweeter than them?! I've spent 7 months with my K2s (who have already graduated sobs) and they are just the sweetest thing EVER. I've never forsee myself getting so loved by children, especially now that I'm a teacher because teachers are fierce...... I think.
What makes me even happier than getting endless amount of hugs from them, is that you know they mean it when they say they love you. You can sense it. I love and miss my K2s so much (*coughs* Hayden) but I hope they will all be good in primary school!!
Yes a huge part of being in ECH includes fangirling over the children at your attachment centre and listing down every little thing they did that made you happy HAHAHAHA.
2014 was a super SUPER SUPER good year for me as a fangirl because I got to see my treasures more than once!! On 12th January, Jaejin came to Singapore alone for Kpop starhunt 3 AND IT WAS. HOW DO I EVEN START. Okay let's not even start 'cause this post will go on forever. But yes it was asdfghjkl awesome. On 8th March, treasures held FTHX and got my mind blown. I had so much fun, the concert was on a whole different scale compared to the one I attended in 2012. The setlist, the lights, and everything. And and on 18th July, Hongki came alone for his press conference and I went to see him and snap some photos!
So yeap basically that's all. It's another year spent with my treasures and I know there will be many more to come. As always, I don't think I would have pulled through the hard times this year if it's not for them.
This year made me realise that there are still so many things to learn, and that there's still a long way to go before I can say that I have a mature mindset. Yes I'm still fucking childish most of the times fml.
I still like to appear as strong and distant, I feel more secured that way. But now I know how to show my weakness too. I think that's a very important thing I've learnt 'cause no one can be strong forever, and one has to learn to accept his/her own weakness in order to grow.
For 2015 I won't set any resolution for myself, reason being I think I'm old enough to know what are the things that will make me a better person. So I've decided to just go by my heart. I wouldn't hope for 2015 to be better than 2014 because to be honest I really enjoyed this year. So as usual, I hope that everyone, especially the ones I love, will be happy and healthy. Because these are the most important things.
For 2015 I won't set any resolution for myself, reason being I think I'm old enough to know what are the things that will make me a better person. So I've decided to just go by my heart. I wouldn't hope for 2015 to be better than 2014 because to be honest I really enjoyed this year. So as usual, I hope that everyone, especially the ones I love, will be happy and healthy. Because these are the most important things.
31/12/2014