11 August.
Will be back with a proper post soon. Thanks a lot to everyone who had been here with me for these days. Thanks to Stef for trying all your jokes on me and being nonsensical, Epic fail but I still love you(don't ask me how deep, I'm not a lesbo, Bitch). Thanks to Clara for your listening ear which collects all my rubbish and still digest them into your mind and try to give me as convincing advices as possible. Thanks to Jeslyn for talking to me yesterday, It triggered a lot of thoughts and successfully pulled me out of dilemma. Thanks to Jingwei for accompanying me, Trying to share my feelings and wanting to divide my sorrows. Special thanks to Ronnehkorh for your understanding and I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. Thanks for being here despite anything, I've no idea what can I ever do without you. Don't fret if your name if not mentioned above, Every single one of you and your help matters. Alot. Sorry for being juvenile for the past few days. Love you guys. (L)
How great. You even stopped texting me on every Thursdays now. I'm a little mad, Actually. I mean, No guys whom I fell for can ever take it not texting me every single day. Is it that I'm used to that attention that I'm finding this torturing or what. Every single thing reminds me of you. Every. Single. Freaking. Thing. List me something. I can just relate it to you somehow. Now, Tell me how to not think about you. You you you you. Either text me right now or get out of my head. Ugh.
Everyone has been telling me to text him and saying that taking the initiative is okay. I mean, I've never texted a guy just to talk to him before, Unless school work/important matters. Until today, Darling actually told me not to text him. Then suddenly I shook back into reality. Finally got why Darling's advice was different and I started to wonder. Why have my 'I don't need any guy to live' mindset went to? OKAY I KNOW I HAVE TO STOP CONTRADICTING MYSELF. But this is how I feel on different days. It's like, One day I'll think that he's just a player, A bad guy. He'll just be another jerk who picks on any girl on streets and ask for her number. And I don't need any guy for me to live, And there's no such thing like love in teenage years so why start a relationship? Then another day I'll think that 2012 is reaching soon and I've no idea what would happen to Earth and I wouldn't want any regrets. Then I'll scold myself for wanting to forget about you the previous day and claim that you're the best thing that have ever happened to me so how can I ever forget about you. Then I'll go to our conversation box and type 'Hey.', Though they were never really sent out.
Yesterday I was thinking a lot. Our meeting. Our conversations. Every single thing about you. And I realised. Since April till now, It has always been you who's texting me first. You're always the one who tries to cook up new topic to keep our chats going on. Then I thought, Is it time for me to put in a little effort to maintain this relationship between us? Just by texting you? For once? I remembered your worry when I didn't reply you when I was at overseas camp. I remembered how happy you were when you received my message explaining why I'm not able to reply. I remembered you sent me three long messages straight on 28th July after I replied you. I remembered every single thing you said.
This morning. Saw one text. Thought it was you. Heartbeat raced. Heart's knocking hard on my ribcage. As if it can jump out anytime. Unlock phone. Think for a while. Type in password. Tried to calm myself down. Phone unlocked. Hesitated. Slide to second homescreen. "New message: Jingwei". Dropped my hands on the table. Replied her message. Closed my eyes and buried my head into my arms.
/Edited @8.37pm.
Fine. I'm letting you go. No point holding on when nothing's even there. A month's time. Then you're out of my life. Even if you start texting me now, I wouldn't reply. Or maybe I would, But I'd tell you we're just gonna be friends. After making this decision I suddenly feel that I can breathe. Although I don't know how to put down this thing I've been having for you for the past 4-5 months, I'll try. I'm not gonna let you affect my life and daily routine anymore. I, Only live for myself. And my friends and family who would never try to play hard-to-get just because I am. And Ftisland, Who can always bring me joy and happiness without torturing me. I need to learn to love myself first. Maybe far away in the future we would fall in love with each other, I don't know? But for now, We're possible. We can be a sweet couple. But you know what? I don't want us to be. Thanks again, Clara. :)